Welcome to the first edition of Creative Spotlight where I bring to you a growing creative who is currently blazing through the publishing world with his platform, Pabpub.
I’m not the kind of person that waits around for life to happen so I set to work.
Last week I had an in-depth chat with Benjamin Paul that covered him as not just the founder of Pabpub but also as an author, business man and as one who absolutely loves his chicken.
Without further ado, here’s how it went down.
Correct me if I’m wrong; Your name is Anisiji Paul but you’re popularly known as Benjamin Paul. You’re an author and one of the founders of Phoenix Award Book Publications (Pabpub) and the Fresh Writers Community (FWC). You are a Physicist as well as a web developer, tutor, business man, igbo man and an all round intellectual.
I’m back, I’m back, I’m back! I wasn’t even gone for that long. I’m extremely proud of myself. A consistent Queen!
Today, I want to talk about coping mechanisms and I’ll be inserting a part of a journal that I started. It’s a little secret ear and dear. So earlier this year or in the middle of the year? I don’t know, I had two heart breaks in one day, lost a friend and welp. Basically, I died twice in one day (inserts way too good at goodbyes by Sam Smith). I think that moment/day was the hardest part of 2020 and that’s saying a lot cause this year has been shit! Happy New Month by the way, let’s hope this isn’t the month the Zombie apocalypse happens cause this year is starting to look like something out of a Dan Brown and Mario Puzo book.
Moving on! This post might be longer than usual but stick with me. When I got hurt, in that moment, I could barely breathe, I think for the first one hour, I stopped breathing. I kept asking myself if I wasn’t losing it, I think this one is common with heartbreak, there’s just that moment or a lot of moments where you ask yourself if you are truly sane because you are really expecting it to kill you. I’ve always had an habit of numbing, I just pretend it’s not happening, I distract myself with laughter and pretend I’m okay. It works, coping mechanisms almost always work but like I said in my last post, it’s not the action, it’s the after effect. (Inserts you broke me first by Tate McRae)
When we get hurt, we crawl into ourselves, we don’t want to deal with the pain because it is like poking at a snake with a stick and we are curled there till something else comes to crush us and then we lose it, our body reacts to the pain so violently because we have so much piled up hurt and anger in us and things that shouldn’t even hurt us as much are the catalyst for us to break into a million pieces. If you’ve ever wondered why you suddenly start sobbing and you feel your heart breaking and your soul being crushed with it just because you lost a pen, it’s probably not the hurt from the pen. Your body/heart probably just needed a reason/excuse to push out the pain/hurt.
So while coping mechanisms help us breathe, in the long run, we are all just setting ourselves up for disasters in the future but what is dead may never die right?
I’m going to add down a part of my journal after this, it may say more than all the rambling I’ve done here. So it’s goodbye and ttyl, remember what I said last time? The streets have nothing to offer you. They’ll just break your heart, chew it, spit it out and burn it. So stay safe, you are not goat meat, don’t let them use you for asun. Goodbye Mi Corazons
Alcohol and tears
I’ve never know how to go to the bottle, even in pain but I lied when I said I’ve never known what it feels like to be tipsy, I’m going to cry as I write this because I really feel like I’ve lied to myself a lot. Sometime this year, at a friend’s birthday, I actually did drink. I promised myself I wouldn’t and the look on my mum’s face when I got home that day was hurtful, I tried. I really did.
I just wanted to feel something, anything really. I’d been hurting so much and piling up pain for so long and I just wanted to let loose. So I drank, no. I wasn’t drunk and I think that’s the craziest part, I barely drank anything, it was just champagne but I made the voices in my head believe that I was drunk and I used it as an excuse to cry because I couldn’t cry any other way.
Pain finds a way to mess with you and it drives you crazy till you are clawing at your throat and begging for help but it won’t let up until it has dragged you down into the darkest pits of despair and what’s worse, if you let it.
I’ve been in pain so many times and I’ve swallowed my hurt, my pain, my sorrow like I choking on bottles of vodka even though the taste of vodka makes me want to stab myself, yes it’s that bad for me. Yet still, I drank that day, there’s something about pain and allowing yourself let go, I think that day, something in me broke because I did something I’d never usually do. I lost a part of me I’ll never get back but I’m grateful for alcohol and tears on days when I want to drown myself, the memories from the night I let myself go are as euphoric as drugs that I’ll never taste.
Also lifestyle, fashion, relationships, rants. Because what is life without a little fun in it, first post will be a little later today hopefully, totally looking foward to this.
Things parents or relatives do that annoy…
Hey y’all, so we can all agree that our parents tend to do things that annoy us, my parents have this habit of never wanting to agree that they are wrong😣 it’s so annoying tbh, my aunts on their own believe that i am the only teenager always with my phone or that every boy i am associated with, i have something going on with him. What do your parents do that irriates you?
Also I’ll be posting stories and fun stuff, write ups and blah blah from different wonderful writers, arguments on topics and things we feel need to be changed, It’s also co-owned by my friend at Valerie, first post will be later today